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Over 50 column – Nothing works anymore: Peace to your suits

It crunches. It splinters. It crashes. The woman looks up from WhatsApp and asks horrified: “What was that?”

A bizarre picture in the bedroom: In a tangle of plywood crumbs and protruding screws, two old Ikea wardrobes from the “Pax” brand lean to one side where a bookshelf stopped their fall.

I take a few photos for Instagram and joke: “Peace to the cupboards”. Because of ‘Pax’, you see? “The woman is not in the least amused.

***

Her habit of simply forcing excess clothing into the compartments has blown off the nailed back panels and caused the collapse. “You just have too many clothes,” I say sternly. “We have to muck out!”

The woman tears open one of my closets: “What about your suits?”

***

You have to know that you used to wear something like that in the editorial office. And you always had to buy new ones. Sometimes double-breasted suits were modern. Then pinstripes. The lapel length kept changing anyway.

I let my fingers slide over the noble fabrics and sigh: “Look, if I were a tree, these are my annual rings.” On the left is size 102, when I was slim when I was young. A dozen of them follow in a belly-concealing 106. On the far right, classic cuts in size 112. The fat years. Unfortunately too tight today.

I say in a firm voice: “What about the suits? I need all of them when I’ve lost weight again. ”The woman laughs scornfully and starts tossing my stuff on the bed.

A day later I wistfully drive to the old clothes collection. All suits gone. Plus 50 shirts and a box of designer shoes that have become too tight.

I comfort myself with the thought that the new owners will look very good. And with the prospect of two meters of free closet space for new cardigans.

When I get home everything is already full. The woman stands in the midst of torn open Zalando packages and tries on new things. I gasp indignantly, but now she’s joking: “Peace to your suits! It was actually a nice bon mot. “

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